Legion Of The Doomed
by Red Witch
Summary: Cheryl has a suggestion for the Figgis Agency to make money. Let's just say she's not that far off the mark.


**Cheryl did something to the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. I don't even own this idea. Star Saber 21 gave it to me. It's just madness people…**

 **The Legion Of The Doomed**

"Another day, another meeting," Archer droned as the gang entered the conference room of the Figgis Agency. "Another damn headache!"

"Oh give it a rest," Lana grumbled. "None of us are happy for another Mallory Meeting."

"Especially since this is supposed to be **my agency,"** Cyril grumbled.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch," Pam rolled her eyes.

"Speaking of which," Ray said under his breath as Mallory walked in.

"Good you're all here. As you are probably all aware," Mallory sighed. "Since the Zissner debacle…"

"The Double Indecency Incident," Pam corrected.

"We haven't had any clients," Mallory went on. "Which means our agency is running out of money. So that is the **only reason** I am allowing **this**. Take it away Carol."

"It's Cheryl," Cheryl corrected.

"Whatever!" Mallory grumbled as she sat down and folded her arms.

"Wait you're letting Carol…?" Archer began.

"Cheryl!" Cheryl snapped.

"Run a meeting?" Archer asked.

"Yeah why wasn't I informed about this?" Cyril asked.

"Cyril shut up," Archer snapped. "But seriously Mother…"

"Sterling, desperate times call for desperate measures," Mallory groaned. "And trust me whatever Carol or Cheryl or whatever her name is this week is planning falls under that category."

"More like the category of **insane,** " Ray gave her a look.

"Be that as it may, _Miss Gillette_ ," Mallory glared at Ray. "We need to think outside the box. And they don't get any more outside than Carol."

"Wait what box?" Krieger asked. "You found a box? What was it labeled? Because I can explain…"

"NOT AN ACUTAL BOX, KRIEGER!" Mallory shouted. "Now everyone shut up and listen! Carol…"

"Oh forget…" Cheryl rolled her eyes and stood up in front of the table. "Good afternoon Figgis Agency…"

"It's 9:30 AM…" Lana said.

"I SAID GOOD AFTERNOON FIGGIS AGENCY!" Cheryl shouted. She composed herself. "I have an amazing idea of how our agency can improve revenue over a hundred percent!"

"Considering our current percentage is zero…" Cyril sighed.

"Cyril!" Mallory snapped. "Go ahead dear."

"I propose that the Figgis Agency goes through a rebranding," Cheryl said. She turned on the computer behind her. On the screen was a bright logo saying LEGION OF DOOM!

"What the…" Lana blinked.

"We become, wait for it," Cheryl grinned. "The new and improved Legion of Doom!"

"The **what** of **what?** " Mallory was stunned.

"The Legion of Doom!" Cheryl grinned. "I figure since there have been so many bad DC movies lately now is the perfect time to hit them! They're completely demoralized! All we have to do is find some decent kryptonite and bam! We're ready!"

"Okay…" Archer winced. "Just so I've got a handle on this. You're suggesting we become a group of supervillains that plan to take over the world?"

"Or just get extremely rich and kill Superman," Cheryl said. "Whichever."

Mallory looked at Ray. "You called it."

"Told you," Ray groaned.

"Okay one or both of us is drunk right?" Archer asked.

"I'm serious guys!" Cheryl said excitedly. "We could have a bitching crossover! It would be epic! Think of the ratings!"

"That's the scary part," Lana groaned. "Cheryl in the first place…OUR LIVES ARE NOT A TV SHOW!"

"Shows what you know," Cheryl snorted.

"In the second…" Lana sighed. "We are **not** becoming supervillains!"

"Why **not?** " Cheryl asked. "I think it's time we upped our game!"

"We're not becoming costumed villains!" Lana barked.

"I am **not** wearing tights and a cape," Archer agreed. "That's a deal breaker."

"So you just want to stay regular villains?" Cheryl asked.

"Wait you think we're **bad guys**?" Pam was stunned.

"You think we're **good guys**?" Cheryl laughed. "Seriously, come on!"

"Why would you think that we could be the next Legion of Doom?" Krieger asked. "I'm seriously asking."

"Uh how can we **no** t be?" Cheryl asked. "I mean come on! Let's look at the facts here."

She pointed to Mallory. "Ms. Archer here is like the evilest woman in the world who has killed hundreds of people!"

"Well I wouldn't say…" Mallory began. Then she stopped for a moment. "No, you're right. I have killed hundreds. Mostly during the war!"

"Italian Prime Minister ring a bell?" Archer gave her a look.

"How long are you going to make me apologize for **that**?" Mallory snapped.

"Once would be nice!" Cyril snapped.

"Not going to happen," Mallory grumbled.

"And you ran an illegal spy agency," Cheryl spoke up. "Which did its share of blackmail and kidnapping."

"And murders," Lana gave Mallory a look. "As well as bomb threats."

"Oh please," Mallory gave her a look. "Give it a rest Judy Judgmental."

"And you had like a ton of high ranking contacts all over the world," Cheryl said. "Until a lot of them died or dumped you."

"They did not dump me!" Mallory shouted. "Nobody dumps Mallory Archer!"

"Tell me she did not sound like Lex Luthor in drag right now!" Cheryl pointed.

"More like an older version of Emma Frost," Pam spoke up.

"I don't know who that is," Mallory said icily. "And I refuse to acknowledge that."

"Okay," Ray said. "Now I see where you get Emma Frost."

Cheryl moved onto Krieger. "Krieger is like a wicked mad scientist who has already made hundreds of mutants and his own clones! As well as drugs, brain controlling microchips and an actual earthquake machine."

"Not to mention the current head of the KGB!" Mallory snapped.

"He also created the Krieglins," Pam spoke up. "And the only reason they don't attack and enslave humanity is that they're too busy screwing around and watching puppet shows."

"As well as several other clones of himself," Lana added. "And killed them."

"Not **all** of them!" Krieger rolled his eyes. "A lot of them died on their own. Or Piggly ate them."

"And who made the Pigglys?" Cyril asked. "And trained them to like the taste of human flesh?"

Krieger thought. "Hmmm, good point."

"Not to mention the whole Nazi clone thing just screams dark side," Cheryl added. "Ray over here is a cyborg with super speed and a black hand. And he's killed people when he was a spy."

"Not as many as Ms. Archer!" Ray protested.

"Lana is a giant who has monster hands," Cheryl pointed out. "And she killed a lot of people when she was a spy."

"I do not have monster hands!" Lana barked.

"You ripped off Conway Stern's hands with your bare hands twice!" Cyril told her.

"Hey the first time I thought he was a double agent stealing secrets," Lana said. "Not my fault!"

"And the second?" Ray asked raising his eyebrow.

"He insulted my child and called me fat!" Lana snapped.

"Oh yeah, he was definitely asking for it," Ray rolled his eyes.

"You're going to be asking for it in a few minutes!" Lana made a fist.

"Conway also stabbed and shot me in the back," Archer pointed out.

"That too," Lana said. "The point is, I had good reasons."

"Crazy reasons," Cyril groaned.

"You want to go round Cyril?" Lana snapped. "Any time!"

"Oh yes," Ray sighed. "You're Miss Reasonable."

"I know right?" Mallory nodded.

"Pam's killed a lot of people when she was underground fighting and driving for the Yakuza," Cheryl went on. "Not to mention the whole sexual assault, dolphin puppet porn thing."

"I have a pretty good excuse for at least one of the assaults," Pam spoke up.

"And she like ate a ton of coke and survived!" Cheryl added. "That's kind of superhuman, along with her strength."

"I am pretty bad ass," Pam grinned.

"Archer over here has killed like a ton of people," Cheryl went on. "And like destroys everything everywhere he goes!"

"Not everything everywhere," Archer protested. "The International Space Station is still around."

"What's left of it," Cyril gave him a look.

"I'm not a bad guy," Archer scoffed.

"That is debatable," Cyril added.

"I'm a billionaire heiress that's also a pyromaniac," Cheryl said cheerfully.

"You're also insane," Ray said. "So…"

"She's basically a female version of Pyro," Pam added.

"Even Cyril's killed people," Cheryl added.

"Mostly by accident," Cyril pointed out.

"And he actually took over and was dictator of a country!" Cheryl added.

"Hang on!" Archer barked. "Let's turn back to the part where you think I am a bad guy! I'm not a bad guy!"

"Sterling even I think that statement is not entirely true," Mallory sighed.

"Name one bad thing I've ever done," Archer challenged.

"You cheated on me constantly the first time we dated," Lana gave him a look.

"You cheated on me while you were cheating on her **with me** ," Cheryl said.

"You cheated on and with any woman you could get your hands on anywhere, at any time!" Ray added.

"Besides **that!** " Archer said.

"All right," Mallory said. "How about how you treated Woodhouse? The man who raised you and was utterly loyal to you. And how did you repay him? You abused that man like I would not abuse the Irish!"

"So I said a few things in the heat of the moment?" Archer waved. "Big deal."

"Sterling you forced that man to eat a bowl of live spiders!" Mallory shouted. "Even I think that goes too far!"

"And considering she's the most evil and hateful woman alive," Cheryl pointed. "That's saying something."

"Definitely behavior befitting a true supervillain," Krieger agreed.

"No wonder the man disappeared and hasn't been seen in over a year," Pam agreed.

"And it's not just Woodhouse," Cyril said. "You've been a bully to me and everyone around you since the day we've met!"

"That's true," Ray said.

"Definitely some bad behavior there," Pam agreed.

"What did I ever do to all of **you**?" Archer asked. "Besides Cyril!"

"You once broke my nose," Lana glared at him.

"You beat me with my own dolphin puppet!" Pam snapped. "I had to get stiches!"

"You almost poisoned me with ice cream when I told you I was lactose intolerant!" Cheryl snapped.

"You set me on fire!" Ray snapped.

"Accidentally!" Archer snapped. "It was a hotfoot that got a tiny bit out of control!"

"A tiny bit?" Ray shouted. "I was in the infirmary for three days!"

"I wanted to see if you were really paralyzed that time!" Archer said. "It's not like you felt much!"

"How do you explain the time you set **me** on fire?" Krieger gave him a look.

"You really shouldn't have left that experimental flamethrower lying around," Archer said.

"How about the time you kidnapped and brainwashed Len Trexler, my fiancé!" Mallory shouted.

"You're with Ron now! What do you care?" Archer asked. "Not like that thing with Trexler would have worked out anyway."

"How about how you ruined my life?" Mallory shouted.

"It's not my birthday Mother," Archer rolled his eyes. "You don't have to sing that tune!"

"Your carelessness cost me a lot of money, property and agents…" Mallory went on.

"You're basically responsible for killing Brett," Cyril spoke up. "And indirectly responsible for turning Barry into a cyborg!"

"And me!" Ray snapped.

Lana asked. "Can we also add those horrible voice messages Archer thinks are funny, but basically torture?"

"Oh yes!" Cheryl agreed.

"Definitely," Mallory agreed.

"I agree," Cyril nodded.

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded.

"They're just not funny," Ray said.

"They are **hilarious!** " Archer barked. "Look you guys are blowing this all out of proportion. I'm basically a decent guy who's made a few mistakes!"

"Oh please!" Krieger scoffed. "You've crossed the line of decency so many times the state might as well put up a toll booth!"

"Oh are **you** judging **me?** " Archer asked. "Mr. Food Rapist who drugs his own co-workers without their consent? You've crossed the line of No Return so often they had to rename it! To the…Line of…Krieger's Return. Or something."

"Burn," Krieger said sarcastically.

"Can we stop picking on each other now?" Lana spoke up.

"Why stop now?" Ray asked.

"Yeah you couldn't have said this years ago?" Cyril snapped.

"We are **not** becoming criminals!" Lana protested. "End of story!"

"That's kind of a moot point," Ray pointed out. "You know? With all the crimes we committed and the arrests? And the treason?"

"And the drug cartel," Cyril added. "And taking over an actual country."

"Kidnapping the pope," Pam added.

"Having affairs with the head of the KGB," Ray added looking at Mallory.

"Pot farm in West Virginia!" Mallory snapped at Ray.

"Stranding a psychotic cyborg on the international space station," Lana groaned. "Where he murdered half the crew."

"The ones that were surviving after we killed several of them while accidentally helping space pirates," Cyril groaned.

"Committing actual piracy," Archer added. "With boats and everything…"

"Destroying a lot of buildings," Cheryl added. "Arson…"

"Illegal genetic experimentation," Krieger added. "And lots of other illegal experimentation."

"Assaulting and planning to sexually assault the Queen and Crown Prince of Durhan," Lana added. "Ruining relations between the United States and Durhan."

"Accidentally assisting in the assassination of the Ambassador of Albania by calling in a bomb threat," Ray added. "Ruining relations between the United States and Albania."

"Having relations with half the married women in New York," Mallory glared at Archer. "Or anything in a dress."

"Having relations with half the married **men** in New York!" Archer shot back. "Or basically anything in pants!"

"All those times we made money by either looting or committing insurance fraud," Cyril added.

"Bombing Wales," Lana groaned. "Helping Welsh terrorists."

"Helping an insane cyborg break into a computer mainframe of the government," Archer added.

"Trying to ransom a fake hydrogen bomb," Lana added.

"Killing a lot of people," Ray added. "And getting a lot of other people killed."

"Carjacking at the Grand Prix," Archer added.

"Not to mention the time we gave away all those weapons and half the stuff in the office to a gang of drug dealers," Pam laughed. Then she sobered up. "Oh dear God we **are** the Legion of Doom."

"More like Legion of the Doomed," Ray groaned.


End file.
